Brave
I don’t think I ever truly knew what it meant to be brave. I never really related the word to my life. I have safety and security. I always feel protected and secure in my home. And I’ve most certainly not had to do anything too uncomfortable in regards to life changes.
But in the last 6 months, that’s all that has been happening in my life. It all started on a cool, fall Thursday. The night before I had decided I was going to a ladies morning out at a church on the north side of our city. The thing was, I had never done anything like this before. I had been comfortably participating in a church for the last 19 years. But the last year had been different. Spiritually, I felt at a loss. A loss for words as to what I was feeling, sensing when I prayed. I didn’t tell anyone, but the Mister, for fear of being told to “just spend more time with God and it’ll make you better; make that feeling go away.” But I was praying. I was reading my Bible. I was sitting just listening. And I was hearing nothing. Nothing but the thoughts in my head. I didn’t want to be driven by those.
Last spring, we found out we were pregnant. It was the first of many surprises, many unplanned things in our life last year. During much of the year, God would just drop things in our hearts to do. We listened. All the while, I felt like I was dying spiritually. I didn’t stop volunteering or going to church. I didn’t stop reading my Bible and praying. I continued. But I didn’t know how much longer I could go without hearing, without some direction of what was next.
In the fall, it was as if God said, “You’ve been faithful, steady, and now here’s what I want you to do.” He was very specific. I know He lead me to this particular church through a friend. However, what I did next was all me (she wasn’t actually even there that day.)
I got the girls ready and at 8:30am. Lil’ A kept asking where we were going and I told her we were going to go meet some new friends. You see her best friend, Lil’ S, had been gone barely 2 weeks, so all this new was a lot for her. But I knew that I knew, that I knew God’s grace was with us.
I contemplated many times between 7:00am and 8:30am to just stay home. I don’t need to go. I’m good. I kept thinking no one will even know that I made the choice to go and then didn’t.
You see, that wasn’t the point. The point was I knew I needed to go because He had told me to. For no one but me.
So I got in my mini van and drove for 25 minutes. I pulled into the parking lot and thought I could just turn around, no one would know I had chickened out.
No one, but Him.
So I parked. I was shaking. I hadn’t ever gone anywhere that wasn’t familiar. And I was scared. I was scared no one would talk to me. I was scared I wouldn’t fit in. That I wouldn’t be accepted for who I was or where I had come from.
It was the first time in my life that I had to be tough for my kids. I had to show Lil’ A that this was a great step in our life. And I am pretty sure she would agree. I walked up to the door and premeditated which door out of the three would be unlocked. The middle. We walked in and were instantly greeted from the young woman sitting at the front desk to the right. She told us were to go so that they kids could enjoy the morning with others their age. She introduced me to other moms who were dropping off their children. My fears surrounding this experience were disappearing each step that I took around this new place. I felt so loved by my God…He had preordained my steps and took care to make sure that He’d answer my prayers through this new experience.
That day, I was brave. I had the courage to do what I hadn’t before. And you’ll never guess, but I was wrong. 🙂 I was wrong about not being accepted. About not fitting in. There were women of all walks of life there. Grandmas, Moms with grown kids & teenagers, and moms just like me. He knew I needed these people. This place.
It’s been a long time since I walked into a place (I believe I was 15, and it was the first time I had traveled alone…but that’s another story) and felt at home.
Everyone introduced themselves. Everyone showed me around. Everyone was happy; even if their children were running around the massive foyer. It’s been that way for 4 months.
It was at the moment, after I dropped my girls into their classrooms, that I heard it.
“This is your answer. Peace, I give to you…”
Being brave brought me peace. God’s peace. And that’s the only kind I needed.
What will being Brave change for you?
Step out, do something brave…He’s holding your hand.
